Okay, stop. Enough of the list making, the constant comparing of this place to that place, the endless row of tick marks under “Con”. I’ve been in limbo for so long over whether to stay here or move there that I think the list has truly become a habit. But I’ve made the decision now. I shouldn’t need the list anymore.
One, because I need to stop holding the door open, covering all bases, making sure I won’t really lose – I need to stop telling people that I’ve put the house on the market but we’ll see nothing’s set in stone who knows what will happen in this market. Sometimes I even add, maybe I’m meant to stay here and in that case I suppose the house won’t sell. Well, that may very well be and I can worry about that when I get there. But today, I have decided I’m moving away and I am doing everything in my power to make that happen.
Secondly – and really, more importantly – I need to stop gathering support for this decision as if it’s not something I’m convinced of myself. Another $400 for the mechanic because I put 20,000 miles on my car this year. Four days have passed since my last real, in-person conversation. God, it’s cold. I haven’t had sex in x years for goodness’ sakes. (I’ll leave that one to the imagination, but let’s note that it is measured in years. With an ‘s’.) What am I doing at this job? Almost everyone I know here is married; almost everyone I know there is single. Men don’t even know how to buy a girl a drink around here. … Alright already! We get it! You don’t like it here! So move.
I know how this started, and I needed it – for a time. I needed to go through my logic checks, make the list so that I could know I’d given it a fair shake, that I wouldn’t leave just because it was too hard. But I don’t need it anymore. Last night I re-read a journal entry I’d made almost two years ago. Notes really, from some time I’d spent with a therapist in Dallas. I wrote, ‘It’s normal to feel “bad” when in limbo – the longer it drags on, the more certain depression is’. Huh. Well, if that ain’t the truth. My limbo has dragged on for far too long. In some ways it’s still around – there are, after all, some things that are out of my control, and I’m doing my best to be patient with them. But I have (finally, finally) made a decision, and that is cause for celebration. Those lists no longer serve me, and it’s time to put all of the minuses for this town to rest. Focus on the next big thing. Get ready for what’s to come. Clear out all of this clutter and make room for all of the good stuff to move in. (And man, the good stuff had better weigh less than the bad, ‘cause I’m starting to worry about moving all of this stuff down the stairs.)
This post started out on a different site, but in an effort to get more of my writing in one place, I moved it to cindyscovel.com in January 2012.